An estimated 90% of marriages involving a person with bipolar disorder end in divorce.
Never imagined I would be entertaining the idea, personally... but I never imagined what life could be like when mental illness is a third party to the marriage. I've spent a great deal of time ignoring the thought over the last few years, for a variety of reasons. First and foremost, I made a commitment, and I take it seriously. I didn't want to just turn tail and flee at the first sign that things were unstable. I told myself that if it eventually did come to that, I wanted at the very least to know that I did everything I could do to make things work... that I had exhausted all my options. Believe me, I'm exhausted now. I don't know what's left. I don't know how to rebuild trust when it's constantly being violated. When Husband lies to me about small simple things (for example, "what were you pounding on the door for, it was unlocked. I didn't lock you out."), how do I trust that he's being honest with me about anything? He's shared just enough of his contact with an ex-girlfriend with me to make me uncomfortable. I know he's been in touch with her since we've been married, and I know that he had a conversation in which he told her about a dream in which he was having sex with her. How do I trust that it hasn't gone beyond that? I know he's cheated on nearly everyone he's been in a relationship with. Infidelity is common with bipolar disorder. He's lied to me about cocaine use. He's lied to me about drinking. I understand that he has a mental illness, but that doesn't absolve him of responsibility for his behavior. I've been angry with his illness for a long time... but sometimes it seems like the lines blur between his illness and his choices.
Relationships involve a lot of work. Sometimes they involve making choices. Sometimes they involve sacrifice. For the last several months, and more intensely over the last several weeks, I can't shake off the nagging feeling that I've sacrificed things... hopes, dreams, opportunities... for someone who can't be an equal partner.
I've also realized the conclusions I would reach if I were an outsider looking in. If someone I knew and cared about were in my position, I would wonder what the hell they were doing staying in this relationship. I know for a fact that it's been a topic of speculation among my friends and acquaintances. Frankly, I would tell someone else in my position to run like their ass is on fire.
And I'm full of unanswered questions... many of which may not really have answers. Did my husband decide to marry me as part of a manic episode? Is he putting god-knows-what up his nose? Is he cheating? Are things likely to ever look better? Does "better or worse" really apply when it's THIS BAD? Am I going to look back at my life someday and regret the things I didn't do as a result of the marriage I'm in? How much more emotional pummeling can I take?
It's a lot to think about, a lot to sort.
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